Diary One: Nov. 29, 2020
Hello.
Today has been the same as the days before it. I don't feel particularly good, but I'm afraid of getting the way I was before. I always had to keep strong and try to push on for my parents, but I don't know how to do that anymore.
I feel weird. Everything around me feels weird. It's like I'm someone else, someone I don't recognize, but I'm also far too familiar with myself. I'm scared that if this continues, I'll end up in the hospital again, and I don't want to do that. I can't allow myself to become a burden, yet again. Countless times I've tried to open up to people around me, and few have understood. I usually get answers that are one and the same with, "try to snap out of it" or (my personal favorite) "think positive." As though I had not tried those same 'methods' time and time again. Although, I will occasionally find someone who I do believe truly understands, simply for the reason that they have been and/or are going through the same thing themself.
It's becoming a burden on myself as well. I wish I could be optimistic and positive like those I'm surrounded by, but it just seems as though I'm "built different."
I have vices and hyperfixations that I use to distract myself from this feeling, but the relief I feel from this never lasts, it's very temporary and often fleeting. Leaving me back in the same spot that I was in originally. I feel sick, both physically and in a way I can't quite explain. I don't feel right, and I don't know what to do about it. There are many things being demanded of me right now, but I don't know how well I can handle them.
Along with the current circumstances in my daily personal life, as well as the circumstances surrounding the world at this moment, its hard to find something that I can truly feel comfortable with. The loneliness that accompanies me is a problem in and of itself, but theres nothing that can be done about this at the current moment. With the world on lockdown, it seems as though I am as well.
I will try to update this series later, hopefully turn this into a diary of sorts. I do need a place to vent, and my usual methods aren't cooperating with me right now.
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