Diary Two: December 8, 2020

 Hello.

Today is one of the days I should not be by myself. But as things have been going for the past while, leaving me alone for most of the day is nothing new. I used to swear had no issue with being alone, that is, until it actually happens. Sure, I have the company of a cat and a fish, but at the end of the day, cats are quite hard to hold a conversation with. Even more so with a fish. 

Not to mention the thoughts in my head become unpleasant and repetitive, to the point of obsession. I want to tell someone about it, but there's really no one to tell at the moment. I'm so tired of this feeling, I truly don't know what to do anymore. I'm working on stories and new work to both distract myself, and to vent, but I'm not sure how to feel anymore. I'm alone most of the time now. 

It would be understandable I was alone because I chose to be, for example after moving out or something, but I'm still here. I don''t want to feel like this anymore. But I don't want to be selfish and burden anyone with this feeling. I hear about others who have this and that, and I pride myself on handling things pretty well (most of the time), but sometimes I can't help but feel bad about myself, or even jealous. I feel bad even admitting that but it's true. I'm all cooped up in here and for what?